Pims Blog
Bon Jour Mes Amies.
There had been a few quiet weeks, until the one just gone – boy did I forget the damn rules big time! It started with the taglatelli (pasta to you and me). The dragon made way too much for her tea. There was enough left over for lunch and tea the following day. She left it in a huge bowl to cool. She left it on the counter and came into the living room to watch that tv box thing for the evening. Nat came home about 7 pm and I got up as usual to greet her in the kitchen. When I came back in later I plonked myself heavily down in front of the tv thing with a groan. The dragon noticed my bulging tummy and made a mental note, ‘stick greyhound on a diet’. At bedtime she noticed the empty bowl and put two and two together. She also put together a new Pim Whacker.
The Christmas Holiday.
Well guys, this holiday started so very well. Boomer and I each got such a big bone four days before Christmas, and the Dragon got £200 she never expected – we were all well excited! As the Dragon is a confirmed insomniac and only ever seems to fall asleep in front of the television, she determined to buy herself a telly for her bedroom in the hope of getting a little more sleep. The Snitch and I set about enjoying our bones. Boomer ‘gummed’ his all day, however I chewed all day and all night. The next day I chewed all day and all night – my teeth were becoming remarkably white!
On the day before Christmas eve I was a little under the weather – constipation – how embarrassing. The Dragon applied liquid paraffin down my sneck and by lunchtime I was a little better. However by evening I was quite distressed and she had no option but to take me to the emergency vet about 9.30.
Nat offered to come with us. Now the Dragon is full of cold and her nose is bunged up, Nat’s however was not! She said I smelled like something which could gag a maggot so we drove all the way there with the front window down so Nat could breathe. The Dragon on the other hand froze to death. After 3 injections and 2 cat enemas we were sent home with the advice ‘if no better in the morning take him to your own vet’. That will be £191.78 please – there goes the telly.
I was not better in the morning so off we went to Keighley. “He is pretty bunged up” was the vet’s diagnosis once I’d finished squealing, crying and yelping any time she went near my nether regions. “Best give him a general and I’ll rake him out”. WHAT!!!! Have you seen the size of the rakes the Dragon uses in the stables or garden?! I was out of there as fast as I could go – or at least to the end of my lead! Struggling was no use against the 3 of them – I was dragged screaming to another room where the process was to begin.
To be fair, I really remember nothing about it until I came round and the Dragon came to collect me. “He’s not really very brave is he?” I remember the vet lady telling the Dragon. NOT VERY BRAVE! I don’t think she would be very brave either if she was going to have a draining rod up her bottom with or without anaesthetic! Liberal quantities of liquid paraffin were poured down both my front and back orifices, but apart from the ‘John Wayne’ walk, I did feel better.
The upshot of the whole fiasco is that we will never be having those sort of bones ever again, and the Dragon will not have a telly in her bedroom.
She says that she will take me upstairs to the bedroom and look at my £700 arse until she drops off! Merry Christmas Dragon.
John the Wayne Pim XXX
Postscript; Tom, Nat and the Dragon went to a party a couple of days after Christmas. They did not expect to be away long – they were.
She forgot to lock the breadbin, where I found a full loaf of bread and 6 very large breadcakes. Yum Yum! And what was that on the table? A brandnew box of chocolate biscuits someone had given her for Christmas. It did take me most of the night, but I finally got the lid and cellophane off, and scoffed the lot as well! Yum Yum! To be fair I did leave her 2 steaming pressies on the floor. Yes I am well better. Happy New Year Dragon!
Pim’s Blog – Bin Bags
If I could just get my paws on the numpty who told the Dragon that we black greyhounds were called ‘Bin bags’, I would throttle them!
You can imagine how embarrassing it is for me when we are out. People, who don’t know her, sometimes see us and question her. “Oh, I’m just taking this bin bag for a walk”. Their usual reaction is a pitying look toward me (as though I am out with the village idiot) and normally they scuttle off quickly in the opposite direction. The only thing, which could be any worse, was if she used her normal name for me – the banker – only she still spells it with a ‘W’.
I am NOT a bin bag, banker or any other name she calls me. I AM a dog, a black dog and a very special dog. I HAVE been published, and deserve better respect – or at least a chicken wing!
DON’T Diss me – Pim XX
The Police
WELL, that’s the last time I help the police with their enquiries! They came today about the burglary I tried to stop. I was not interviewed. There was no medal. There was no chicken wing. There was not even a measley pat on the head! HUMPH!
Well Miffed Pim XX
A Strange Day
The Dragon is always the first to get up, and she follows a very strict routine.
She feeds the cats, gets dressed, comes downstairs, goes into the porch to check the gate by the side of the house is still closed, comes through into the kitchen to greet us boys, lets us out to relieve ourselves, cleans up whatever mess I have managed to leave for her, gets our breakfast ready, by which time we are back up the kitchen stairs waiting for her to hurry up.
Today started as normal until she opened the kitchen door to let us out. Boomer ran into the garden, and I tore round the corner, out of sight, barking all the way.
I was actually shouting, “STRANGER! There’s a stranger in the bottom yard”. Daft Dragon thought I was shouting, “SQUIRREL! I’m going to get that squirrel”. (She is perfect at understanding Boomer, but has never mastered greyhound speak. If she bothered to learn Pim speak there would probably be a lot less agro round here!)
Anyhow, I digress. As I disappeared into the bottom yard, giving voice all the way, she continued to get breakfast ready. Boomer soon returned, and the Dragon was irked I was not with him. She left it a few minutes and then went to find and chastise me for not coming when called. Her face must have been like ‘a slapped bottom’ when she saw the bottom gate wide open.
During this time I was, by myself and all alone, heroically following the burglar on his bicycle. I must have followed him three quarters of a mile or so up onto the main road. However at the traffic lights some kind Samaritans, to avoid an accident on the road, picked me up and took me to the nearest vet’s. My collar has no address on, but the vet managed to scan my neck and found my identity chip and quickly traced me back to Tia. Wow that was lucky. No dog could get lost if we were all chipped!
In the meantime the dragon had been in the car, frantically trawling the local area for an hour and twenty minutes, expecting at any second to be picked up by the police for ‘curb-crawling’.
That’s when her mobile phone rang, causing absolute panic as the calling number was withheld so she expected the worst news. She nearly wet herself when she answered. “He’s ok, he’s at the local vet”, and recognised Debra’s voice.
I was picked up, a few minutes later by Mrs. Grumpy. It was not until we got back to the farm, saw what was missing, and the tyre tracks of a bicycle, it became evident, that on this occasion, I was blameless and had actually been trying to warn the stupid woman what was happening! Yep it has been a strange day.
The police are coming in the morning. I expect they are bringing a medal for me, or at least a chicken wing!
XXX Heroic Pim
Ps. The gates are padlocked tonight
The Barn and A Wedding
Tom and Nat were getting married, but only if they could have a reception thing here on the farm. There was nowhere really big or clean enough to entertain 300 people, so they had the bright idea to build a new barn themselves. This was decided before last Christmas and the Wedding was planned for the beginning of August so there was plenty of time for planning permission and building etc! NOT! The wedding was booked for 3rd August and the invitations were duly sent out and all accepted in May. By the end of June fingernails were starting to get severely chewed and tempers starting to get considerably frayed. Finally on Thursday July 28th, 7days before the wedding, planning permission was granted. I have never seen so many of Tom and Nat’s friends and relatives work so hard for so long. They worked on until the early hours every morning. In fact the electrics were put in at 3 am the wedding morning! I absolutely loved it! The weather was fantastic and we had a picnic every lunchtime and a bar-b-que every night. Apparently the only help I was, was cleaning up all the leftovers – but I was really good at it!
That was not the end of the banqueting. There was plenty of food left after the wedding breakfast, and even more after the hog roast at night – we were feasting on it for days. Ladies, my 6 pack nearly touches the floor!
There has been much hilarity here over this wedding – Nat came to the church in an open horse box, they signed the register whilst the organ played ‘The Pink Panther’ and walked out down the aisle to cheers and clapping whilst the organ played ‘The Muppets’. They then came back to the farm in the horse box whilst the local road came to a stand still with perplexed motorists looking on. Tom’s speech caused people to fall off their seats when he was talking about his 6 day erection – but I didn’t understand that one!
Yep I LOVE weddings – when can I get married!?
Full Pim XX
What A Spoiled Sport!
Last night I had the four apples in the fruit bowl. Tonight the dragon removed both fruit bowls. Who ever heard of fruit being kept in the oven? The dragon is such a spoiled sport!
Hungry Pim XX
The New Fridge
After so many days of me leaving the fridge door open after snacking, the old fridge was to be quite frank ‘knackered’. Yesterday the Dragon bought a shiny new one. PIM PROOF. Or so she thought! It took me 10 minutes to work that one out.
Pim - The New Fridge
She has not put a lock on this one, but has cunning swivelled it today so that I just cannot fit my paw between the cupboard and fridge door to hook it open with my claw.
What a spoiled sport! At least it upsets and annoys her to see the fridge cockeyed compared to the rest of the units! All her fruit is hidden on the very top of the cupboards. What cupboards I can open are tied up with baling twine. The breadbin is securely fastened and turned to face the wall so that I cannot possibly get it open. The rubbish bin is behind a bolted door. It is like flaming Colditz here. My snacking is somewhat curtailed unless I can sneak up to Tom’s sitting room and raid his fruit bowl, and I’m not sure I relish being chased back down the stairs chased by his boot (with or without his toe in it!).
XX Pim – now if I could just reach those grapes………..
Woe Is Me
They say trouble always comes in threes. Here on the funny farm it does seem likely.
Last night I added, a punnet of raspberries, to the punnet of strawberries on Sunday night and the 2 baskets of grapes and bag of cherries on Monday night.
I also got a whole basin of peas, but as I could not easily get the shells off, I left these strewn on the kitchen floor. Dragon is distinctly unhappy, and is threatening to do a special offer. She says buy 5 of my books and get the dog free! Woe is me looks like chicken wings will be off the menu tonight
Even fruitier Pim XX
Not The Whole Punnet!
The Dragon asked the human boys “which one of you has eaten that whole punnet of strawberries?” as she picked up the empty basket from the kitchen counter.
I completely gave the game away when I slunk off into my bed with my tail between my legs.
They were nice but I do really prefer chicken wings.
XX Pim (Strawberries & Cream & Wimbledon Ahhh..)
Cheer Up Debs, It Could Be Worse – You Could Be In My Shoes
I did read your news from the kennels and am sorry things are getting you down Debs.
Things (or rather probably me) are getting the Dragon down as well. So much so that when she saw my handy work in the kitchen this morning, it sent her scuttling off for a new Pim whacker!
She had just been shopping, so it might have been the complete box of green grapes I’d scoffed. It might have been the entire box of red grapes I’d also finished off.
It could even have been the big bag of juicy red cherries (her favourite), that I had eaten, stones and all. Or perhaps it was that, in order to get to the said fruit, I’d broken the lid to the sugar bowl and spread sugar everywhere. Maybe it was because I had wee weed on the floor, and then trotted back and forth through my puddle all night.
Finally could it be she is worried I’m going to pebbledash the walls tonight, or even worse, bend over and shoot someone with a cherry stone?
Whatever the reason, something sent her over the edge! It’s evening now, and I’m still in Coventry. So Debs, things could be worse, you could be in my shoes.
I wish I had a chicken wing.
Fruity Pim XX
More Ways to Really Irritate A Dragon
Before I go any further, I should explain to you guys where my ‘sneck’ is situated. My ‘sneck’ is that part of my body from the tip of my snout to the base of my neck, and I do really know how to stick it into places it should never go!
I can really p..s the Dragon off, when being very affectionate, and violently shoving my ‘sneck’ under her elbow for a cuddle just as her arm is guiding a cup of hot coffee/tea or glass of juice to her mouth. I feel obliged to do this several times a day!
On the VERY rare occasions when she wears a skirt, I can make her jump by sticking said ‘sneck’ and cold wet nose up the skirt! But, friends, I have left the very best to last!!! If you really, REALLY want to irritate a Dragon, catch her when she has nipped into a stable or behind a bush for (you know what), then, with trousers round her ankles, just give her a little nudge with that ‘sneck’. Her reaction is hysterical!!
I don’t know why she doesn’t make her life simple by lifting her leg like us?
Still Laughing Pim XX
The Pile
There it was, first thing this morning, sitting in the bottom yard. It smelled wonderful.
I prodded it with my paw – the aroma was divine.
Tested it with my other paw – orgasmic! I rolled and squirmed – what bliss. I dashed into the house to show everybody at breakfast my joy.
The dragon shrieked. She screamed and she swore! I was frogmarched outside to the tap and scrubbed and scrubbed some more.
She used washing up liquid. She used ‘Head and Shoulders’. She used her hands. She used a brush.
How was a boy to know she hated fox poo even more than the actual varmints themselves?
I HATE BATHS!!
Squeaky Clean Pim XX
Written by Joanna Sewell
Illustrated by Neil Houghton
